Basically Pissed

I'm sad, confused, and reflective today.

I realized over this past week that the guy I like doesn't really like me.. oh I found out that him and my this girl aren't that serious... but anyway.. here i've been thinking he has been flirting with me and so on but he's really just been nice to me. I need to back off. I want to like him.. I want to flirt with him.. I definately don't want to lose him to her, wow that sounded really evil. Its frustrating that no one has ever been attracted to me in that way and I'll never understand that!! I'm so confused. I wish he was attracted to me but yet he doesn't even think of me as a good friend needless to say anything more than a friend. *sigh* I feel like I'm a lost cause. I guess i'm just plain. I'm not captivating or have this engaging personality. I want God to bless me with a relationship. I don't know.. bleh. I'm kinda hoping 17 is my year and I finally get to know what it is like to be with someone who honestly cares about you and isn't just telling you what you want to hear just so they get you to like them.. What is that like!? I want to know!

Wow.

So now i sit here listening to Phil Collins and its a cold rainy day out side. I really wish things wouldn't have worked out this way. I feel so much like i'm just in this like state of being where nothing make sense anymore. Why? I'm so tired of there always being someone better than me. As long has he's happy.. i'm happy. Now i really wish it would just snow. I don't want to do anything today i just want to sit and like stare a the celing gosh.. I think i'm just going to go and hide under babushki. When will i get my Colonel Brandon, my Mr. Darcy, my knight in shining armor?

bah.

~Hannah

ugh

So lately Russia, and well strangely enough the guy i like, has been the furthest thing from my mind mostly because i've been soo incredibly bogged down with school, stress, and drama (not meaning a play).But today i decided that i really want a knight in shining armor to come and rescue me from all my stress and mundane activities. I want my prince charming to come and tell me that everything is going to be ok but i'm constantly reminded that he doens't exsist right now in my life so i'm just going to have to deal with it. Life is so harsh. I don't like it .. well at times. Right now its been crappy but hopefully things will get better. Right now i'm just worried about school and i really want a best friend but i don't know anyone that i trust enough to be my BEST friend. I miss that closeness i used to have with Alyssa that trust that you just don't have with everyone. I guess this started with.. I'm not number one to anyone. I always feel like number 2, 3, 4, and so on. I want to have a best friend where we spend the night at each other's houses and talk about boys, movies, and eat weird food till 6 in the morning. Maybe i've out grown having a best friend. Maybe those days are over. Why can't I have a best friend again? Maggie, who is the closet thing I have to a best friend is so busy with college and her friend is getting married and I don't know maybe i'm being selfish. Yet, is it selfish of me to want a best friend? I don't think so. Oh well. Maybe i'll have a best friend soon.

~Hannah

huh.

So I went to Starbucks with David today. I was happy and had a good time. The guy talks.. alot.. more than i thought he actually did..lol not that i'm complaining i was just surprised. I am so excited for him to go to Russia for a year but i also am sad. I don't want any of my friends to leave me for a year!

I honestly just wish things were a little bit more simple. Then again, when trusting in God what's complicated?

Lord, I pray that you would take care of me and my needs. To give me what I want is up to you. I want things, but I know you'll give me what i need and not so much what i want. Lord, help me to desire the things i need more than the things i want.

~Hannah

Oh dear

As I wait for December to roll around with of my friends to leave for Russia again and for them to come back and for me to finally turn 17 (hardly being able to believe it.) I pray. I pray that God would keep my heart and emotions in check and I wouldn't let my heart get to far away from me. I could once again lose myself in my love for Russia. God is my God, and is my only and one true (well should be idlest) desire. The time will come (hopefully sooner or later) when I will be in back in Russia serving the orphans or perhaps just the people. I want to make a difference there and its my desire to see the bonds of religion be broken and the ties of relationship made.

I feel as though the country is so bogged down by religion whether they be Jewish (the non-Christ believing ones), Muslim, or simply orthodox. I was lucky enough to visit a protestant church service during my recent stay in Vladimir. I was really excited to hear the testimony of a church member who has felt the calling of missions. I was incredibly excited. However, Satan used that time to sort of make me wonder why am I here? If they already get this then.. What good am I? But, then again, God has a plan and a purpose for us all.

I was bless immensely by the fact that a month or so after my return and while I was feeling "home sick" (Russia took a huge chunk out of my heart and I long to go back numerous times a day) my good friend Kati, told me that some Ukrainian orphans were coming to Indy and they needed some volunteers to help with the VBS. Luckily I was able to go and help and practice my Russian and really just be blessed by the children. It was nice to hear the chatter of Russian (well actually Ukrainian..but its basically the same) being spoken and the challenge of talking to the children's escorts. Just it all reminding me of my time spent in Russia.

Like I've mentioned several times before, my heart groans and longs to go back. Somedays everything reminds me of something in Russia and it just makes me fall in love with it even more.

I feel so silly being so in love when I've only been there once but I think if God was involved and God is the creator of me and the creator of passion, and love, and devotion, then what is wrong with me being in love with Russia after only being there once if God lives with in me? (the words of Jessi) I'm only 16 and I'm afraid people look at me with a thought of "Well, she's only 16 what does she know about the real world" when in all actuality I've seen more of the world than most of them will see in their life time! Because Russia is something I'm so passionate about, I usually feel vulnerable talking about it. My heart is so into it that when someone, who works with The Boaz Project (www.boazproject.org) which you'd think would be happy to hear about my joy, passion, and love for Russia kind of makes me uncomfortable, simply because they all are so much more traveled and experienced when it comes to Russia.

I could talk about it all day but talking about it is not going to get me there.

I need to pray and focus on my God for guidance in the following days, weeks, months and in the years so come.

I need to focus on what God wants me doing and where he wants me going for next year.

Oh, how I long to see the Russian people praising God!

~Hannah

Life

So, I'm sitting here trying to be paitent with life in the fact that i really have a few more months till i can even start thinking about applying for another Boaz project trip. Hmm.. life.

so.. i'm kinda diggin' this blogger thing.

um.. however i don't have much to say.. and no one is really reading this anyway..

~Hannah

ps. I MISS RUSSIA!!!!

The first one

Well this is my first post on this blog. Hopefully I can use this to more actually blog about my life better than with Myspace or Xanga.

~Hannah